LIMERICKS

JOKE GENIE

LIMERICKS

There once was a girl from Peru

Who filled her pussy with glue

She said with a grin

If they'll pay to get in

Then they'll pay to get out of me too.

Hickory dickory dock

A girl was sucking my cock

The clock struck two

I shot my goo

And dumped her on the spot

There was an old man named McBass

Whose balls were made out of brass

He'd clang them together

In stormy weather

And lightening would shoot from his ass.

There was a young girl from Peru

Who claimed she had nothing to do

So she sat on the stairs

And counted cunt hairs

Four thousand, six hundred and two.

A mortician who practised in Fife

Made love to the corpse of his wife

How could I know, Judge

She was cold, dinna' budge

Just the same as she acted in life.

An accident really uncanny

Befell an unfortunate granny

She sat on a chair

Whilst her false teeth were there

And bit herself right in the fanny.

Archimedes the early truth seeker

Leapt out of his bath, cried Eureka

And ran half a mile

Wearing only a smile

Thus becoming the very first streaker.

There once was an altar boy from Crewe

Who remarked as the Vicar withdrew

The Bishop was quiker

And thicker and slicker

And two inches longer than you.

There was a young girl of Aberystwyth

Who took grain to the mill to make grist with

The millers son jack

Laid her down on her back

And united the organs the pissed with.

A taxi cab whore out at Ivor

Would do the round trip for a fiver

Quite reasonable too

For a sight see, a screw

And a two shilling tip for the driver.

There was a young lady of Fashion

Who had oodles and oodles of passion

To her lover she said

As they climbed into bed

Heres one thing the bas*ards cant ration.

A young girl of English nativity

Had a fanny of rare sensitivity

She could sit on the lap

Of a Nazi, or Jap

And detect his fifth column activity.

A comely young widow named Ransom

Was ravished three times in a hansom

When she cried out for more

A voice from the floor

Cried: lady, I'm Simpson, not Samson.

I Ceasar, when i learned of the fame

Of Cleopatra I straight away laid claim

Ahead of my legions

I invaded her regions

I saw, I conquered, I came.

A binary mathematician

Had the curious erotic ambition

To know what to do with the power of two

When the two are in proper position.

Given faith, sighed the Vicar of Deneham

From the lusts of the flesh we might wene em

But the human soul sighs

For a nice pair of thighs

And a little of what lies between em.

There was an old fellow named hewing

Whose heart stopped whilst he was screwing

He said, really miss

Dont feel bad about this

Theres nothing I'd rather be doing.

There was a young plumber from Leigh

Who was plumbing his girl by the sea

She said, stop your plumbing

There's somebody coming

Said the plumber, still plumbing it's me.

Well buggered was a boy named Depass

By all of the boys in his class

He said with a yawn

When the novelty's gone

It's only a pain in the ass.

There was a young woman called Hilda

Who went for a walk with a builder

He knew that he could

And he should, and he would

And he did and he bloody near killed her.

There was a young girl from Mauritious

Who said, no I'm not really vicious

I get no sexual kick

Out of socking this prick

Its just that it tastes so delicious.

The Limerick form is so easy

It's no trick at all to be breezy

But the lines of it's wit

Are often Flavoured with Shit

Arousing the qualms of the queesy.

There was ayoung man of Bulgaria

Who went for a piss in an area

Said mary to cook

Oh do come and look

Did you ever see anything hairier.

The Limericks callas and crude

It's morals distressingly lewd

It's not worth the reading

Of persons of breeding

It's designed for us vulgar and rude.

There was a young man of Cape Horn

Who wished he had never been born

Nor would he have been

If his father had seen

That the end of the rubber was torn.